Blog / Porn and Secret Sex

Just yesterday as I was chewing on how to conclude this five-part series, I got a text form a dear friend. He was attending a meeting in southern California and heard a “sound byte” and sent it to me. He thought it might fit in with something I’m writing (how in the world did he know that!). Fit in? It’s the perfect phrase to use right here, at this moment, in Part 5 of this series on “Porn and Secret Sex.” It really sums up exactly what I’ve been saying about this insidious ‘tug’ on a man’s life. I love the way it’s worded:

It’s time as we continue this issue of “Porn and Secret Sex” that we stop for just a minute and review. Why? Because for the guys that are reading this your head is probably spinning by now! You’ve never heard this or even thought of this before. Some of you reading have been thinking, “What in the world is this guy talking about? I thought he was a professional counselor?” I am.

Whenever I teach or counsel men on the subject of “Porn and Secret Sex”, I usually begin where I ended in part two. After sitting and listening to their story one on one about how their current marital crisis (their “crash”) began by first “dabbling” in porn and then moved to a secret sexual encounter, I’m never surprised to see the expression on their face when I decide to share my first response. I begin with these same words with each man:

Let’s begin with that one central question I mentioned in Part 1 of this series on porn and secret sex. Remember what it is? You should. Because since you read Part 1, you (and I) have continued to ask it every single day. Here it is. Memorize it: “Do I have what it takes?”

In other words, no matter what I face today, no matter how many times I have failed and made mistakes in the past, I desperately need to know that TODAY (yes, right now, this very minute, as you read these words) that “I am the man for the moment.” And I need to know the answer from another man. God’s design was that I hear it from “my first man”, my dad. (I call it “The First-Man Syndrome”). A lot of guys I meet with each week had the privilege and blessing of getting that question answered as far back as they can remember. What a gift! I am so very thankful that is my story.

Not a week goes by in my life meeting privately with over a dozen men one at a time that this same question does not come up: “Why does this ‘porn thing’ have such an addictive effect on me?”

My initial response is always the same: “That’s the wrong question. Here’s what you should be asking: ‘What am I really looking for when I click that mouse at 3AM five mornings a week?’”

By the way, just so you know, one in every three men in America tonight will stay up late or get up early to spend a minimum of 30 minutes looking at porn this very day. Whether it be at home on a desktop in a spare bedroom, downstairs on his laptop or Ipad, or the wide monitor in his hotel room while traveling, he keeps that same “appointment” a minimum of five days a week. Every week.